Cough Syrup

I was just in near tears listening to Darren sing it. I honestly cannot get enough of his voice.

I see now that it's the song he sings in front of Kurt on next weeks Glee, and I can't help but imagine him singing to me. It has nothing to do with a girl or anything but I can't help but see it in the back of my head.

The back of my throat hurts from holding in the tears and my eyes sting.

Some times I wish I could quit him.

But I don't want to.

I'm back

I forgot I had this.

I'm going to start using it again. so i can write down my thoughts and feelings for Darren without really anyone looking at it. I just need a place to write stuff down.

You're Kidding

Fuck you.

Fuck you, you asshole. I never should have given you this chance.

Saying I have the wrong number when i text you. Please. You could at least write it a different way. I know its you by the way you type it.

Fuck. You.

Fitting In

I really do like the place I'm working at. Out of 4 doctors, I get along with 3. And the techs are nice too. I'm mostly with Jess and Sarah, and Sarah goes to my school. Jess is a sweetie.

At first I didn't think they'd like me, even though no matter where I go people end up loving me(not to sound conceded or anything, but it's true). But they've all been nice and I feel like I'm slowly fitting in.

Today we had our monthly staff meeting and since it was so nice after the lecture we went outside and did an egg toss. I haven't laughed that hard in a while, and even though me and Jess were the first people out (it bounced off her fingertips! so close!) we still managed to have fun watching everyone else fight to keep their egg whole or cracking up when the egg broke from impact of a catch gone wrong.

I'd like to keep working there after my internship is over, but who knows. It's pretty far from home, and I don't want to live with Kelly. I mean we get along now, but thats because i stay out of her way. Ah well.

Brandon texted me today out of the blue, during a time he normally wouldn't. I usually only hear from him either at like 7am or 10pm. (aka when hes leaving for work/ when hes home from work). But he texted me at 10am. Apparently he had a dr.'s appointment. Just wanted to talk cuz he missed me... whatever.

till next time

-Sam

Therapy is better than it sounds

I love my therapist. She is a VA therapist and takes care of my dad too. Sadly I lied to her today about not giving into Brandon. I did give in.

She asked a bunch of questions, like if he hadn't hurt me so bad this last time would we still be "together", and how healthy the relationship would be if it hadnt happened.

We were never together.. we just had this connection.

And its shattered now. He's not responding to my texts. I feel like a did something wrong even though I didn't. And i hate that it bothers me. Melanie said it the best

"He hurt you. Very badly. And 3 times at that. No one deserves that."

No.. I don't. But I love him.

Steve and Me

I'm reading Terri Irwin's book 'Steve and Me', seeing as how he was and still is my hero and role model. I have cried at least 4 times and I'm barely half way through. He died in 2006, but it is still so hard on me. That man taught me so much. I was 8 when I first saw him on TV. I even wrote about it at school. I just found the book.

"I would go to Australia because I sow a show on snakes in Australia and it was cool and you can see this guy named Steve and he has a wild bird in his backyard:"

I'm 20 now. I guess thats when my dream of one day going to Australia was born. 12 years ago. I remember watching him all the time, being sad that when we moved the new house didn't have Animal Planet, getting so excited a year or two later when we got it again.

He's taught me so much, and help my love of animals and wanting to help them grow more and more everyday, which is saying a lot because I already loved them so much. My siblings used to call me "Elmyra".. you know the girl from Tiny Toons? lol yeah that was me, minus the squeezing them to death thing.

Getting the text message from my friend early the morning 2 days before my Senior year of high school saying 'The crocodile hunter died."...i thought it was a joke at first. I rushed down to the computer to check, and when every major news site confirmed the worst, I cried. I cried and cried. I woke my mom up and told her. She held me as I cried more. She was devastated for me. She knew how much I wanted to go to Australia.. to go to his zoo and see him.

For a long time after he passed, I couldn't watch his show without crying when I heard his voice. Heard him explain an animal, or say how much he loved his crocs. It was awful. I went to a college and tried to major in wildlife conservation and management to honor his memory. Turns out the way that school did it wasn't what i wanted to do. Now I'm on my way to being a vet tech. It may not be wild animals like I'd dreamed, but it's still animals. And I'm still helping them. And now he is forever honored on my skin.

I've been made fun of all my life for liking him, so it's no surprise the eyebrow raises and odd looks I've gotten when people hear about the tattoo. But I could care less. He was an important part of my life.

Steve, where ever you are, I WILL make it to Australia someday. I WILL go to your Zoo and admire the creatures you loved so much and taught me so much about. I will find a place to sit, and I will close my eyes and think of you, and most likely cry. But know that it's tears of both happiness and sadness. I'll be sad that you aren't there, but I'll be happy to be near you in a different way. You'll be there, watching me.

Rest in peace, mate. I miss you.

Long days

I swear to god the boy is psychic or something. It's kind of creepy actually. He wants to know why haven't been talking as much and such. Told him I'm not gettig close. He said he understood.

Yesterday and today were long. I really don't like this one doctor at the practice. She hates everyone she mets. I'm not kidding. Two people I know that have or are working there have said it. You can be the nicest, sweetest person to her and she'll treat you like shit. It's the stupidest thing ever.

One more work day this week then going home. Then to Megan's to help her with Molly and Emma :)